What We Must Endure
by Tokai Central
Summary: An accident was all it took to upend everything.
1. Denial

**What We Must Endure**

by Tokai Central

**Chapter 1: Denial**

As if someone had flipped a switch, the chaos raging in Misato Katsuragi's mind finally stopped. She turned to the clock on the hospital room wall. Had it only been two hours since she ripped her suit inside Jet Alone? One hour and fifty minutes since a decontamination team stripped her naked and scrubbed her head to toe? One-and-a-half hours since a NERV medical helicopter took her back to headquarters? One hour since a scan? Thirty minutes since having her blood drawn? Only seconds since Ritsuko gave her an injection?

"You feel better?" Ritsuko dropped the syringe in a medical waste disposal bin.

"A little," Misato replied, resting her head back on the pillow. The ceiling tiles appeared to shimmer like a damp sheet drying on the line.

"The Ativan will help you relax." Ritsuko sat back down and gave Misato's hand a comforting squeeze. "If you want any more, tell me."

Misato turned to her friend. "How bad?"

"We'll know in a little bit." Ritsuko was telling the truth, at least technically. The Magi were reviewing Misato's test results. However, the readings her suit's internal sensors gave – six Sieverts delivered over just four minutes– left little hope in the scientist's mind.

Ritsuko reached into her purse for a mint. She handed it to Misato.

"Here. They told me you threw up in the suit."

Misato nodded and chewed it slowly. "It was all happening so fast. I must have forgotten that I…"

The phone in Ritsuko's coat pocket vibrated. The results were ready. Misato watching on, Ritsuko read the report. When she was done, she silently slipped the phone back into her pocket.

"Well?"

Ritsuko took a deep breath. "Misato, do you remember when we were in college, and you told me about what you went through in Antarctica?"

Whether drugs or stress, nothing came to mind. Misato shook her head. "Not really."

"When your father put you in that life pod, it was pitch black. The pod shook like a paint can in a mixer. You said you were afraid that you'd die alone in all that darkness."

Misato nodded, her free hand subconsciously touching her scar. "Yeah. That's what happened. But what's that…" Misato stopped when she saw it…a tear rolling down her best friend's left cheek.

"It won't be dark, and you won't be alone. I promise."

Misato asked for another dose of Ativan. Ritsuko gladly gave it to her.


	2. Anger

**What We Must Endure**

by Tokai Central

**Chapter 2: Anger**

Ritsuko could count on one hand the number of times that Commander Ikari had yelled at her.

Today was the third time.

"Why didn't you stop her from going in there?" The commander pounded his fist on his desk.

Ritsuko, standing only ten feet from Commander Ikari, didn't flinch. "She outranks me, sir, and it was your explicit order that she not learn about our efforts to sabotage that robot. Her suit's left leg tearing on a ruptured pipe…it was a freak accident."

"How is Captain Katsuragi's condition?" Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki asked in a tone much calmer than his superior's.

"Stable, for now. The Magi predict that she will have two to four days of good health before the effects become apparent. After that, her physical decline will be quite painful. After two to three weeks…" Ritsuko bit her lip before continuing. "Captain Katsuragi will die."

Commander Ikari lowered his hands and sat straight up in his chair. "Is she dangerous to others?"

"No, sir. The Jet Alone interior was basically a cleanroom. As a result, she didn't breathe in radioactive particles. There is no chance of cross-contamination."

Vice-Commander Fuyutsuki nodded. "Then there is no reason she should not be able to go home. Doctor Akagi, do whatever is necessary to make sure that Captain Katsuragi is…comfortable for the duration."

"Of course, sir." She would do that even if no one had asked.

* * *

Ritsuko had never driven Misato's car before, and if not for the circumstances, she would have to admit that it was a great ride.

In the passenger seat, Misato stared off into space. She wore the same outfit she had put on that morning to attend the Jet Alone demonstration. A bandage covered her left leg. Something like a sunburn had appeared just a few minutes after her suit tore. It wasn't hurting so bad now, but…

"You hungry?" Ritsuko asked. Misato slowly looked over at her and nodded; the Ativan was still wearing off.

Ritsuko stopped at Misato favorite convenience store. Misato didn't budge. "Want me to get what you like?" Misato nodded again.

Ten minutes later, Ritsuko returned with four large sacks of snacks, ramen, curry, beer, and sake. "Just like our college days." Misato laughed softly at the remark.

"Thank you."

"No worries." Ritsuko put the keys in the ignition but paused. "Misato, Shinji's back home, too. Do you want me to…"

"No." Misato sounded like herself again. "I need to tell him."

"Okay." Ritsuko started the car. "You don't need to do everything tonight though, Misato. There's time. I promise."

"I know."

* * *

Shinji threw himself into Misato's arms the moment she and Ritsuko entered the apartment. "I was so worried. They only told me there was an accident. I thought we…"

"Shinji," Misato put a finger over the boy's lips. Misato looked over at Ritsuko. "Do you mind making us all dinner while I talk to Shinji in the living room?"

"Sure."

In the kitchen, Ritsuko tried to make as much noise as possible so that Shinji and Misato could have some privacy. Yet over the next few minutes she still heard snippets:

"It can't be."

…

"I was stupid."

…

"But you look fine!"

…

"I got to save everyone, Shinji. That's all that matters. That's all that…"

Ritsuko shut her eyes tight and took a deep breath. She rummaged in her purse for her cigarettes but stopped herself. Misato hated her smoking.

When she could no longer hear Misato and Shinji's voices, Ritsuko walked into the living room to find Shinji with his head on Misato's shoulder. His eyes were closed. Misato had her arm around his waist and held him close. She looked up at Ritsuko.

"Dinner ready?"

Ritsuko nodded.

"Come on, Shinji." Misato nudged him. "I know you probably don't feel hungry, but it's been a…long day. You…we should all try to eat something."

Shinji opened his eyes. He had cried, but only a little. He and Ritsuko set the table with the impromptu feast. Before Misato could ask for a beer, Ritsuko brought in a bottle of the sake she had bought.

"You didn't have to splurge," Misato said, inspecting the label.

"Umm…" Shinji began to say as Ritsuko filled his glass to the brim.

"As your doctor," Ritsuko said as she set down the bottle, "I suggest you drink it."

"Better do what she says, Shinji." Misato chuckled.

Shinji sipped his drink as Misato and Ritsuko downed theirs. Ever the good host, Shinji refilled their glasses.

"This is really tasty, Ritsu." Misato cheeks were already starting to flush. "Thank you."

The three gorged on the curry, as well as some snacks: takoballs, chips, marinated squid, karage, and yakiniku. Shinji and Ritsuko had seconds, and Misato had thirds. For a while, the pain was forgotten.

"You know just what I like." Misato leaned back and patted her stomach. "It was so good. Thank you both. I…" She started to say the next word but stopped herself. "I think I'll go to bed." Misato went into the kitchen to grab a few beers before disappearing into her room.

Ritsuko and Shinji began to clean up the mess. Shinji put on his apron and washed the dishes. Ritsuko dried the plates.

"Akagi-sensei, Misato seems so calm about all this. It doesn't seem real."

"I gave her some drugs to take away the fear. The sake probably helped, too."

Shinji nodded. "Misato said that you'll be staying with us."

"Yes. Misato has been my best friend for 10 years. I know it may not seem that way when we're at NERV, Shinji, but I'd do anything for her."

"She said that when it gets bad…you'll take care of her."

Ritsuko dried her hands and rested them on Shinji's shoulders. "I'm going to make sure she doesn't suffer."

At that moment, the numb, thin shell surrounding Shinji's heart broke, and the boy collapsed in Ritsuko's arms. She held him as his tears soaked through her shirt. She held him as he beat his fists against her shoulders hard enough to leave bruises.

She didn't let go.


	3. Bargaining

**What We Must Endure**

by Tokai Central

**Chapter 3: Bargaining**

The sun rising over Tokyo-3, Ritsuko stepped out onto the balcony and lit her first cigarette in nearly 24 hours. It was a relaxing balm after a night of almost no sleep. After taking a few puffs, she took out her phone and dialed.

"Yes, Kaji. It has been a long time. I'm sure you heard about the accident…I know you'd be here if you could. EVA-02 will be shipping in two weeks. They need you in Germany…Please call her, though…No, it won't get that bad…Yes, I have something for her."

The conversation ended a few minutes later. Ritsuko flicked the cigarette butt over the balcony. The sliding door behind her opened. Ritsuko turned to find Misato in her pajamas, sleep still heavy in her eyes.

"I didn't think I'd see you until this afternoon."

Misato limped over to her friend. "I crashed hard after dinner. Didn't even drink any of that beer."

Ritsuko glanced down at Misato's bandaged leg. "Painful?"

"Just sore. I'll let you know when I need anything."

Ritsuko nodded, and the two spent the next few minutes watching the scenery.

"Ritsuko, it feels like I'm giving up. Is there really nothing you could do for me?"

Ritsuko shook her head. "Bone marrow transplants, blood transfusions, and skin grafts would extend your life by a few months. But it would be painful, and you wouldn't be able to do much but lie in a hospital bed."

Misato shook her head. "No, I don't want that. If I could still work…then maybe." She sighed. "Ritsuko, I want Shinji to have everything. You know me…I don't have a lot of money or stuff, but I don't want him to have to move into the Geofront."

"I get it. He'll have company soon. Asuka and Unit-02 will be arriving in a few weeks. The German branch is sending…Kaji to hand it over to us."

Misato bowed her head and sighed.

"Does he know?"

"Yes. Commander Ikari promoted him to your position."

Misato grasped the rail with all her strength. Her knuckles turned white. However, she quickly relaxed. "He's…He'll do fine."

Ritsuko chucked. "I was expecting you to go off on a tirade."

Misato joined in. "I was just about to. Honestly. And then I realized it doesn't matter anymore. Not to me, anyway."

"That's a good way to think, Misato. Hey, I smell something good. Shinji's probably making us breakfast. Hungry?"

After wiping her eyes, Misato nodded. "And Ritsu, you can have the car. It suits you."

* * *

In Germany, it was late at night, and for the last ten minutes, Ryoji Kaji had been standing on the balcony of the apartment he shared with Asuka. It seemed to be the only place not filled to the brim with her moving boxes. The German girl was fast asleep in her room, and for that, Kaji was grateful. She would no doubt be thrilled to find out that he would remain her guardian in Japan. Maybe in the morning he would have the energy to explain why that would be the case.

Kaji exhaled. For the last 12 hours, his mind had gone over every memory he had with Misato. Meeting her in college. The week they spent in bed together. When she broke his heart. The pain had long since faded, but not the feelings he still had for her.

Of course, he could fly to Japan despite his orders. He wanted to hold her one last time. But there had been so much pain between them at the end. He didn't want her to have to reopen those old wounds. That wouldn't be right.

Also, his promotion would mean that his side jobs…well, they were over for good now. There would be no way he'd be able to be NERV's operations manager and still spy for the Home Office or be Commander Ikari's lapdog.

"Misato, you might just have saved my life."


	4. Depression

**What We Must Endure**

by Tokai Central

**Chapter 4: Depression**

After a brief argument, Misato convinced Shinji to go to school. "Here." Misato handed him a grocery list and a thick stack of bills. "Pick these up on your way home. Okay?"

"Okay."

Misato smiled at Shinji as he left, but her face turned stoic the moment the door slid shut.

"Ritsuko, I assume there's some paperwork I need to do."

Over the next few hours, Ritsuko helped Misato officially 'retire' from NERV and transfer her benefits to Shinji. "He'll be more than comfortable," Misato said once she had signed the last piece of paper. On the table were a few empty beer cans. Ritsuko had even joined in. It was either that or weep.

"Someone will be here to pick up these first thing in the morning," Ritsuko said, slipping the paperwork into a folder.

The two women didn't have much time to themselves before Shinji returned with two big bags of groceries. "The delivery man will be here in a bit with the sake and beer you wanted. You'll have to sign for it."

"No problem," Misato said, a smile returning to her face. "Hey, Shinji. I know I'd probably make the kitchen blow up if I tried to cook anything, but can I help you?"

"Sure, Misato."

Taking her cue, Ritsuko retired to the balcony. In the kitchen, Misato and Shinji unpacked the ingredients.

"How are you feeling?"

"Fine, Shinji. Ritsuko and I took care of a lot of important things today." Misato took a daikon out of the sack. "Hey, can you teach me out to cut this."

Shinji nodded. "Well, first you have to wash it…Cold water, that's good. Then we want to use the biggest pieces in the middle. You know, cut them into discs." Shinji cut a thin slice before handing the knife to Misato. "There's two more daikon in the bag. Cut them up the same way, and I'll start on the stock."

Misato slowly sliced the daikon while Shinji tended to the stock. Once she was done, the delivery man came. Misato paid for the alcohol while Shinji unwrapped the fish.

"I think we bought all the bluefin the store had." Shinji blushed as he revealed the three six-ounce slabs of fish, each with a different amount of fat.

"Go big or go home. What do you think, Shinji? Sashimi or seared?"

"Sashimi."

"I'll leave it to you then."

Fresh beer in hand, Misato joined Ritsuko on the porch. "I was right that cooking would relax him."

"He's a good kid. He had a cry last night after you went to bed. I don't think I'll ever be a mother, but it felt nice to comfort him, especially all the poking and prodding I've subjected him to the last three months."

Misato grinned. "Yeah, he's like a little puppy that way. You know, tomorrow's Saturday, and Shinji doesn't have school. I want to do something with him, something that'll…"

Ritsuko waited a few seconds before talking. "You don't think he has any good memories of you."

Misato nodded and took a deep breath. She wiped her eyes. "I've just been a sloppy drunk!" Misato paused to lower her voice. "He always does my chores and cleans up after me. I tease him constantly. I never…I never…" Misato took a deep breath. "If I start crying, I won't be able to stop."

Ritsuko rubbed her friend's back. "If you don't want to cry in front of Shinji, I understand. But he loves you, Misato. He really does. Tomorrow, just make some memories with him. That's all you need to do."

Thankfully, Misato had enough time for her eyes to clear before Shinji called them in for dinner. Along with the sashimi, Shinji had prepared miso soup and salad with homemade ginger dressing.

"You know, Shinji," Misato said halfway through the meal. "I think it'd be great if you became a cook one day."

Shinji blushed.


	5. Acceptance (Part I)

**What We Must Endure**

by Tokai Central

**Chapter 5: Acceptance (Part I)**

"It seems like a lifetime since I first took you up here."

It was just after dawn, and Shinji and Misato had just watched Tokyo-3's buildings descend back into the Geofront.

Shinji nodded. "It's really beautiful."

"I'm glad you suggested we come back." Misato sat next to Shinji on the bench. "What else do you want to do today?" She playfully put her arm around his shoulder.

"I just want to talk to you." Shinji's body seemed to shrink. "Do you believe in an after, Misato?"

Misato hesitated. "I…" She straightened her back. "I don't…I don't think so."

Shinji nodded and looked up at his guardian. "Can I believe it for you?"

Without hesitation, Mist smiled. "Of course, Shinji. Whatever you want. All the ceremonies, the prayers. If it helps."

"Thank you, Misato. I'll make sure…" He was fighting back the tears. "I'll make sure you're taken care of."

Misato chuckled. "Don't forget to set out a beer for me."

Shinji smiled. "A fresh one every day. I don't know how I'll get them, but it'll be there for you."

Misato loosened her grip just enough to look him in the eyes. "You know, all of this is going to be over one day. I know it. And then…and then you'll be so happy that you won't even know what to do."

* * *

Finishing her second beer, Misato dialed the number Ritsuko had given her.

The phone rang twice. "Hello?"

"Kaji. It's me." Misato's voice was nearly a whisper.

The line was silent, and Misato was about to ask if Kaji could hear her before he spoke. "I didn't know if it would have been right to call you."

"But I wanted to talk. For whatever it's worth."

"Are you in any pain?"

"No," Misato replied right away. "And I won't be. Ritsuko…"

"You don't have to say it," Kaji interrupted. "She told me."

"Oh." Misato took a deep breath. "Kaji…I wish we had time."

"Me too. Me too. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you, that I wasn't carrying a torch for you anymore. You're special, Misato. You really are."

"No, I'm not." Misato's voice was defeat. "I'm dead because I made a stupid mistake."

"You saved…"

"You know that's a lie."

Kaji's silence confirmed Misato's suspicions. "You did what was right, Misato. You've always done that. Just think about it. In the last three months that you've lived with Shinji, you've helped him. I've read the reports. He would have died or run away for good if it hadn't been for you."

"It wasn't…"

"It was you," Kaji said before Misato had the chance to finish. "I know three months doesn't seem like much, but when you put all the people on Earth together, that's ten-million years of life. You made that possible, Misato. It was all you."

Tears streamed down Misato's face. "Kaji…thank you."

"I'll take good care of Shinji, Misato. I want you to rest now. If anyone's earned it, you have."

"Okay. You take care of yourself. I don't want to see you for at least fifty years. And if you bring some other woman to Heaven, I won't be mad. But I get you every other eternity."

"That sounds like a deal."

"Goodbye, Kaji."

"Goodbye, Katsu…Misato."

Misato stayed in her room long enough to blow her nose and dry her eyes. She walked into the Kitchen, where Ritsuko gave her friend a soft smile and nod. When Shinji briefly disappeared into his bedroom, Misato leaned up to Ritsuko's ear and whispered something that caused the blonde to blush for a brief second. When Misato leaned back, her face wore a sheepish smile.

"Sure," Ritsuko responded. "It'll just be like that time in college."

* * *

"I didn't know you still smoked." Ritsuko lit Misato's cigarette.

"Only after this." Misato took a long drag and let out the smoke through her nose. A moment later the bedroom smelled of burning tobacco rather than sex and sweat.

"Do you think he heard anything?"

Misato shook her head. "No. He's always listening to his music. And please don't ever tell him, either. It would just make things more complicated."

"I won't. I know you're not into women, not really. I don't mind being a substitute for Kaji."

Misato stubbed out her cigarette and lit another. "You're a lot better a this than last time."

Ritsuko grinned, but only slightly. Misato had always been good at deflecting. "I've had some practice."

"Maya?" Misato teased.

Ritsuko blushed. "I'm not blind to her affections, but it would be unprofessional."

"Take it from me, you might as well go for it."

Misato shifted her weight, and in doing so, let out a low groan.

"Painful?"

"Yeah. Must be the endorphins wearing off."

Putting on a robe, Ritsuko briefly left to retrieve her bag. Misato's bandage had come off during sex. "How's it look, Doc?" Misato had her eyes closed.

Ritsuko paused. The skin was nearly black, as if someone had taken a paintbrush to Misato's calf.

"As expected." Ritsuko applied a fresh bandage. "There. You want something for the pain?"

"Not too much, please."

Ritsuko snapped a Vicodin in half. "I'll leave out the other half in case you need it."

After turning off the lights, Ritsuko settled back into bed. Misato wrapped her arms around Ritsuko's waist, but not as a lover would. Her heart was racing and her fingers trembled. A few minutes later the Vicodin took effect. Misato fell asleep.

Many hours would pass before Ritsuko did the same.


End file.
